Jan LaRue: Dreams of Obama
ACRU Senior Legal Analyst Jan LaRue wrote a column appearing on Townhall.com on June 29, 2010.
For several weeks the temperature in the hill country of central Texas has been in the 90’s with high humidity. Daily clouds promise rain, but so far all they’ve produced is oppressive discomfort accompanied by erratic thunder. They are for all intents and purposes “Obamulus” clouds.
These muggy imposters bring dreams of change on the horizon—seriously audacious change:
- British Petroleum announces it has plugged the “damn hole” in the Gulf with the help of La. Gov. Bobby Jindahl after he provided BP with copies of every bill that President Obama and members of Congress have never read.
- Rolling Stone reveals it has embedded a rookie reporter with Janet Napolitano Director of Homeland Security. Editors figure if a really smart guy like Gen. Stanley McCrystal can get himself fired for lipping-off, Napolitano’s penchant for mouthing mindless musings on the record are easy pickings.
- Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton publish their apologies to Gen. David Patraeus in The New York Times. Their full page ad, paid for by George Soros just before he files for bankruptcy, expresses their “trust and confidence” in the General, the sincerity of which “require[s] the willing suspension of disbelief.”
- Patraeus, armed with new “rules of engagement,” leads a brigade of Army Special Ops and Marines to practice insurgency fighting in Arizona. Formerly overrun by Mexican drug cartels, federal lands have new signs posted: “U.S. Military Sharp Shooter Range: Press 1 to Surrender—Press 2 for a Brief Prayer in Spanish.”
- Afghans, who had feared retribution from the merciless Taliban, begin ratting them out to U.S. troops when locals learn the U.S. government is protecting the U.S. border instead of warning Americans that it has surrendered U.S. land to alien smugglers.
- Over objections of Sen. Lindsey Graham, Obama abandons his plan to close the detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba after learning it has a golf course.
- A federal judge dismisses Attorney General Eric Holder’s frivolous lawsuit against Arizona when Holder is unable to explain why he thinks it’s unconstitutional for Arizona to comply with federal immigration laws, but it’s permissible for sanctuary cities to defy them.
- Obama rejects NATO’s plan to award a “Courageous Restraint Medal” to troops in Afghanistan. He decides instead to award the medal to civilians who don’t punch out Vice President Joe Biden for insulting them.
- Biden resigns to launch a national tour explaining why “Obamacare” is really a #&*% @$$ mistake.
- Obama announces he is replacing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” with “Don’t Ask, Don’t Know.” It will apply to the White House Press Corps when questioning Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “He doesn’t know, so why ask?” Obama says that shorter press conferences will reduce the White House’s carbon footprint.
- January 2011: The newly-elected Senate confirms Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Ariz. as Director of Homeland Security. Just days before resigning, Eric Holder ordered the Department of Justice to drop its investigation of Arpaio. Obama’s nomination of Arpaio is seen as a desperate attempt to fake right after losing Congress in the November landslide.
- Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and former Majority Leader Harry Reid will have bit roles in “Lost—The Final Season.”
- Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar resigns in order to become a professor at Harvard Law School after being indicted by a federal grand jury on perjury charges. Salazar is charged with filing a fraudulent document with the federal court hearing a challenge to the administration’s deep water drilling ban. Judge Martin Feldman slammed Salazar’s sham report:
Much to the government’s discomfort and this Court’s uneasiness, the summary also states that ‘the recommendations contained in this report have been peer-reviewed by seven experts identified by the National Academy of Engineering.’ As the plaintiffs, and the experts themselves, pointedly observe, this statement was misleading. The experts charge it was a “misrepresentation.” It was factually incorrect.
- Obama “orders” the Senate to withdraw its confirmation of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court after she “comes out” in an interview with Rush Limbaugh. Kagan called El Rushbo on air to announce that she is a “closet originalist” when it comes to interpreting the Constitution. Kagan called herself a pistol-packin’ mama with her sights on Roe v. Wade. She’s also madly in love with Jesus and Justice Antonin Scalia.
- The new Senate Majority Leader responds to Obama’s “order”: “What if we just deem you impeached instead?”
- Obama resigns to become host of “MythBusters” on the Discovery Channel.
Hopefully, shrinks are right. Dreams can keep you from going nuts.